thoughts from a mountain hermit
being in bali since april, one would imagine I've seen quite a bit of this green island paradise. but to be honest, I haven't ventured out of the local area much during my time here. this is due to a number of reasons, one being my lack of confidence driving a scooter through the busier cities/main roads and another due to the distance between the lodge - having to drive 2 hours to simply get to the nearest town. lastly, and really the biggest reason is because being up here totally surrounded by nature, cool mountain air, small village living and away from the hustle and bustle of the endless tourist spots in bali, I have rarely felt the need to 'get out'. exploring the local area on my daily trail runs, bike rides, treks with other travellers and walks down to visit wayan, agus and putri's family farms has allowed me to explore the area, while feeling perfectly content where I am.
basically, I have just become a little mountain hermit and quite happily so. after months of continual travel it's been refreshing to slow down and simply be in this space. during this time I've been reflecting a lot on the past year, working through some pretty uncomfortable internal stuff, feeling completely blissed out and grateful, reminding myself to embrace all the ebbs and flow of life, and stepping more fully into who I am and strive to be.
I've also been writing a lot lately. I've been more creative in my journaling, jotting down endless notes on my computer and phone, drafting dozens of blog posts, listening to waaaay too many podcasts on a variety of topics, highlighting books and saving articles I've been inspired by and just getting a ton of words and thoughts out on paper. It's invigorating and gets me excited, but truth be told, it also terrifies me.
It's not only the creative process of writing itself that intimidates me, but the desire to be more expressive, feeling that I too can speak up and have a voice. stepping away from fear of judgement, staying true to myself and reflecting that freely to others. coming more fully into myself and owning it completely, understanding I will never be everyones 'cup of tea', accepting my many quirks and differences, and releasing the hold of others perceptions of me that has kept me small in the past. this completely transcends into both how I choose to live and also my writing and what I chose to share. living completely unapologetic or who I am, feeling a sense of release and freedom with being my most honest myself.
somedays when I write my head and heart feel heavy, my thoughts and ideas are sporadic and it feels direction-less, some pieces need 'fine tuning' and others I question entirely. all of the words, ideas, and thoughts - some aren't finished, some linger into nothing. but I'm writing a lot and it feels good. no order, rhyme or reason but doing it anyway. sometimes afraid to write and put things 'out there' only to change my mind later, but understanding now I can't let that hold me back. because for things I believe to be true or resonate with me now may change in a year, a month, even tomorrow. and now instead of limiting my expression, becoming more aware and fully understand we are all continually growing, changing, learning from mistakes, and evolving.
there have been far too many instances in my life I have kept quiet. silencing my thoughts and pieces of my life out of self-consciousness, comparison, or not meeting others standards. at times, I've been weary of going against the grain and disagreeing, never wanting to cause an argument or 'inconvenience' someone. heck even when I do have a point of view, I have been afraid to voice a different opinion, feel I must apologize for not seeing it the other way, or conclude that both ways are just dandy - forever sitting in the murky waters of the in betweens to make it 'easier' and stay 'safe'. however, the more I write, learn, and reflect on the experiences in my own life I realize how damaging it can and has been.
each one of us has a voice and words to share and the thing is you're never going to make everyone happy. every choice you make, word you say, or thing you do will come with praise from some and various criticisms from others, never getting it quite 'right'. but when we let comparison, fear of failure, or not being accepted by others silence our truest selves, we are only creating these barriers and limitations ourselves. so I'm done giving my time and energy to the handle of others and hindering real reflections of who I am, both in writing, action and word. because really, we all are beaming with potential, light, wisdom, and beauty that the world is waiting for us to share.
as I continue formulating these whirling little thoughts in my head and putting them on paper I just feel so happy to simply be creating and writing about things that overwhelm and light up my passionate little heart. so here I am nestled up in the mountains of bali, having all these weird thoughts and stuff. never being able to get it quite 'right', learning along the way, but continuing to embrace that and share my voice and the power I have within myself anyways.
and I hope you choose to do the same.